


please don't say you love me (cause I might not say it back)

by 20griff



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Clexa mentioned, Declarations Of Love, Echo mentioned, F/F, F/M, Gabriel mentioned - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Lexa Mentioned, No happy endings, Octavia mentioned - Freeform, becho mentioned, bellarke fans be warned, clexa fans be warned, only angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27433945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/20griff/pseuds/20griff
Summary: *Post-6x10*Bellamy and Clarke have a chat after he saves her. Confessions are made. Truths are revealed.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Echo, Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 110
Kudos: 44





	please don't say you love me (cause I might not say it back)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic attempt, so sorry if it sucks.

Clarke sat outside Gabriel's hut. An hour ago, she had been, for all intents and purposes, dead. Josephine was wearing her body, walking around with her face, controlling her limbs. 

And then, her mind had started to disintegrate. In her mind-space, Clarke and Josephine had fought for control. For the right to own Clarke's body. Josephine had almost won.

But Bellamy, headstrong as always, had fought for her when all hope seemed lost. He had brought her back from the dead. It was his voice, calling to her from beyond her mind-space, that had given her the last chance she needed to finish Josephine.

Clarke had her body back. But it wasn't the end - Sanctum was still under the control of the Primes, and her people were in danger. She was taking the time now, while Bellamy was strategising with Octavia and Gabriel, to compose herself. She kept reminding herself of who she was - Clarke Griffin. She bore it so they don't have to.

And while she still felt like a visitor in her body, and while she wanted nothing more than to sleep and recover, she could not. She had to save her people. She could rest for a little while, but eventually she would need to come back to reality.

So, Clarke sat outside. Gazing up at the stars, feeling the breeze on her face and the ground beneath her feet. Steeling herself for the impending fight.

\---

From behind her, she heard twigs snapping, and twirled, gun-in-hand, to see Bellamy staring, hands up in mock surrender.  
"Woah, slow down Clarke. It's only me..." he said, with a hint of amusement, but mostly concern.  
"Bellamy" she breathed, lowering her gun, and placing it back in the holster.

"I just came to check on you. How are you holding up?" he asked, keeping his voice low like he was afraid if he spoke too loudly, she'd break.

"I'm fine"

"Clarke, don't do that. The Primes tried to kill you, Josephine wore you like a skin suit for days, and you barely-...you are not fine". Bellamy stressed this point, as if Clarke was unaware of the happenings over the last few days.

"I am well aware, Bellamy. But like I said, I'm fine. Do you need to me come inside and talk war strategy with the others?" Clarke questioned. She did not really want to go back inside; her head was still aching and her body felt like a foreign land.

"No..." he said, unsure of himself now, "Gabriel and Octavia are still discussing inside, so it should be a little while before we need to make the final decision. Hopefully by then, you will actually be feeling a little better and not insist on lying to me. But right now, we need to talk."

"Aren't we talking already?" Clarke countered, feeling a little off-balance. The look on Bellamy's face and the tone in his voice suggested he had something to say. But normally, Bellamy would just come out with it. Dancing around the issue was not Bellamy's style. She was cautious, unsure if she wanted to have this conversation.

"Clarke, please" Bellamy sighed.

"Fine. What do you want to talk about?"

Clarke slumped to the ground. If she was going to have a heavy conversation right now, she needed to at least give her body a break.

Bellamy, the loyal soldier, followed her lead, sitting down half a foot across from her. He ran his hand through his hair before he started to speak again.

"You almost died, Clarke. After Praimfaiya, when I thought you died...it broke me. And then we came back down to Earth, and you were alive. Being on opposite sides of a war was hell, but just knowing you were alive...it was what I wished for every day on the Ring.  
And then we came here, and we had just started to mend. Just started to forgive one another. For leaving. I was hopeful.

Then I found out you were dead. Dead, but someone else was walking around in your body. That broke me all over again. I wanted to wage war on Sanctum, on the Primes. But I tried to do better, like Monty wanted. Like you would have wanted.

When I saw your message in morse-code, I wanted to cry. Because thank god you were still alive, still fighting in there. To hell with that peace deal the Primes offered, all I could think about was getting her out of your body and getting you back.  
And you nearly died, again. Right in front of me. Lying on that bed. Gabriel and Octavia believed you were dead, but I couldn't accept it.

Because I couldn't have you die without knowing...that I lo-"

"Bellamy, please...stop!" Clarke blanched. She had sat, listening to Bellamy for a few minutes, wondering where he was going with this. And now that she knew, she couldn't hear it. Couldn't hear him say that.

Bellamy grabbed her hands, forcing her to look at him. "Clarke, you have to let me finish. I need to tell you; I need you to know" he pleaded.

She pulled her hands back, gripping her legs as she responded, "I do know. I know what you are going to say, and I am asking you not to."

"Why?" he asked, his voice somewhere between desperate and confused.

She paused for a few moments, torn between her desire to avoid this conversation altogether, and her need to be honest with him.  
"Because..." she started, before resolving to give in to honesty, "...because I can't give you the answer that you are looking for."  
Clarke lowered her head, feeling the weight of Bellamy's eyes on her now more than ever.

"I don't understand..." he replied. "I thought...no, I know that I am not the only one feeling this."

"You aren't Bellamy. There is something between us, always has been since the first day on the ground. But I can't." Clarke sighed in defeat.

"So, what is stopping you, stopping us?  
I know you are worried about our people; I am too. But this has been a long time coming like you said. There will always be our people to worry about. I am tired of putting this off until the 'right time'. Clearly, there is never a right time. So, don't let the impending war stop you from being with me." Bellamy pleaded with her; he couldn't let this go now that he knew this was not all one-sided.

"It's not that," she said, raising her head once more to look him in the eye.

"So then what?"

Clarke stared at him then, a tear slipping down her face, betraying her composure.

"I just can't" she repeated, hoping beyond hope that he would drop it.

"Look Clarke, I know I can be headstrong sometimes, and god knows I have made too many wrong decisions. But I-"

"Bellamy, this is not because of you," Clarke implored. Of course, Bellamy would believe he was the issue. Even after everything, there was still a part of him that thought he was a monster, believed himself to be unlovable.

"If this is about Madi, I would love her like my own child - hell I already do-" he started, but Clarke cut him off again.

"Lexa"

"What?"

"Lexa," Clarke repeated, her eyes threatening to spill more tears. "This is about Lexa."

"Lexa? Clarke, I know Lexa told you that love is weakness, but-"

"Bellamy stop!" Clarke pleaded.

At that, Bellamy stilled. His eyes searched hers, and then, with a start, he realised what Clarke meant.

"Clarke..." he started, "it's been over 136 years, Lexa-"

"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?" Clarke yelled now, startling Bellamy. "I WAS THERE. I SAW HER GET SHOT. I HELD HER AS SHE DIED. BECAUSE OF ME."

At that, the anger that had shot out of her just left. Her shoulders slumped; her hands went to her eyes as if to rub the memory from them.

Bellamy wanted to hug her like he had only a short while ago.  
"You don't need to be afraid; I'm not going anywhere..."

"No," she sighed. She knew she needed to just say it, so she braced herself and spoke.  
"It's not that. Bellamy, it's been over 136 years, and I am still in love with her."

Bellamy reeled back at this, like she had physically slapped him.

She continued,  
"I think I fell in love with her the day I met her. Walking into her tent, seeing her sitting upon that throne, warpaint marking her face. I know I was there to try and make peace with our 'enemies', but meeting her didn't feel like meeting an adversary. She felt strange and yet familiar, like I had found a piece of myself on the ground, in her."

Clarke gulped, just talking about Lexa still made her heart ache.

"Strategising with her to overthrow Mount Weather, working in tandem. It all felt right. And then she betrayed us, betrayed me. She left us to ensure the safety of her people. After Mount Weather, even though I was still angry with her betrayal, I still felt for her. She forced my hand, made me commit genocide, and I couldn't hate her. 

I tried to. When Roan dragged me to Polis, and I saw her again, the anger came flooding back. She came to my room after days of avoiding her, and I held a knife to her throat. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. She betrayed me, left me to save my people by myself, and I couldn't hate her.

I found it hard to be around her at first, my heart torn between anger at her betrayal and a bone-deep urge to be close to her. But, day by day, she began to earn my trust back. I could actually allow myself to let go of the anger, and give in to what I was feeling.

And then, everything went wrong. When the blockade and the kill order went into place, I knew I had to leave. But after going to see her, and finally allowing myself to be with her, I felt like there was hope for us. Until Titus' stray bullet hit her. Until she stopped breathing."

Clarke stopped then, allowing a few tears to fall, the mask already broken.

"Her death broke me. My only focus became making sure I kept the Flame, kept Lexa, safe. Making sure ALIE didn't win. And then, trying to find a way to save us all from Praimfaiya. Having something to focus on kept me sane. But after Praimfaiya, when I was all alone, there was no outrunning the truth.

Before I found Madi, I spent the first few months trying to survive, wishing for the safety of you all, and grieving her. Finding Madi, finding my child, helped. She made me feel a little less broken. 

But I have never healed all the way. I am still in love with her. Over 136 years and a planet later, and I am still in love with her. I could live a thousand lifetimes, and I would still love her. Still feel the pain of losing her. It is as fresh as the day she died."

At this point, Clarke's head had fallen slightly, eyes glazed over, lost in thought. She returned fully to the conversation, and raised her head to look at Bellamy again.

"So yes, I love you. I might even be in love with you. But I can't be with you. Because I can't ask you to love me, when I am still in love with her ghost. Because you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you with all of their heart. Someone who can return your love as ardently.  
I am glad you and Echo found each other on the Ring. She is good for you, and she loves you more than I ever could."

With that, Clarke turned her head upward to the sky.

Bellamy, having stayed silent, waiting with bated breath throughout Clarke's explanation, felt lost. He stared at her figure for a beat longer, ran his hand through his hair and wiped some tears from his face. Then, he stood up and turned to go back into Gabriel's hut.

He knew she had loved Lexa, but did not know how deeply that love ran and how heavily her death weighed on Clarke still.

Before he got out of earshot, he stopped and turned back to Clarke. "May you meet her again" he said, just loud enough for her to hear, before turning back around and heading for the hut.


End file.
